EP: 72 - PSA IT GETS WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER
(This video is recorded from a YouTube LIVE session)
No one ever tells you that this process is going to be hard. That it will bring you to your knees, over and over again.
I will of course end by telling you that it’s worth it. And bringing back hope to what you’re going to go through. But having been doing this work for almost 7 years, I just want to normalize that it’s hard! And it’s a hard that people don’t want to talk about. And a hard that makes you feel like you’re crazy if someone doesn’t say.. “Yeah, this is normal. It’s part of the process.”
There is a dismantling that happens when you embark on becoming your true self.
The old you has to die. And death and rebirth are painful.
Eventually, you will become the beautiful butterfly but first the caterpillar has to turn to a liquid GOO before it can rebuild.
We are breaking deep generation cycles and patterns of belief.
That is no small thing.
We are doing work that our parents, our grandparents, and their parents and beyond never did. For most of us, we are the first generation with this new awareness.
getting through this requires that do a few things that weel counterintuitive to your survival response to change and discomfort. Instead of closing down, putting up walls, arming up, running back to your old coping strategies, you want to do the opposite of what you think you should feel and think. You want to stay with the feelings. Be with the discomfort without trying to hurry up to the next phase, or rush it, or deny it, or pretend you’re fine or positive mantra your way out of it.
As my friends says, “You have to feel it, to heal it.”
4 STEPS TO WALK THROUGH THIS:
STEP ONE: ADMIT IT SUCKS
It’s ok to not like the pain, the hard, the uncomfortable. It’s ok to admit you don’t like it. That you’re over it. That you’re tired, Exhausted. Frustrated. Angry. It’s ok to be honest with where you are in this process.
STEP TWO: COME BACK TO THE PRESENT
So much of what adds to the pain is playing the “What If” game. We start playing out the worst case scenario in our minds. Or… we try to skip ahead of where we are. We try to spiritually bully ourselves into our future. Trying to pretend everything is ok, that we are fine, that we’ve got this, that we aren’t affected. It’s like a new spiritual version of “manning up” and y’all it doesn’t work. It just invalidates what you are feeling. It puts shame on your process and adds judgement because you think you aren’t where you SHOULD be. Come back to what is happen now, in the present moment.
STEP THREE: OPEN TO WHAT’S HERE
This is my favorite step and yet sometimes the hardest. The way through is having radical acceptance of what is. It’s staying open when you want to close. It’s allowing any emotion that is here to be here. Without trying to change it or say it can’t be here. It’s letting all the angry, grief, hurt, fear, doubt etc have a place at the table. To let oursevles continue to cry and not hurry up. To let ourselves sit in the discomfort of what is. To just be with ourselves. Be with what is coming up.
STEP FOUR: OFFER TENDERNESS
How we move through the messy, is with deep self compassion.
We do not need more shoulds and pressure when we are feeling overwhelmed with all the processing and change. We need tenderness. Gentleness. Grace. The way through is not strength and power.
It’s tenderness and compassion for ourselves.
So my friends, it’s ok to admit that is sucks, to come back to the present moment with acceptance of what is coming up and then to offer ourselves more tenderness and compassion. That is the way through these messy times.
Because the mess is NORMAL. Feeling like a basket case is normal. Feeling like it’s all falling apart around you is normal. Because the truth is even though you feel like you’ve been buried, the truth is you’ve been planted. You are becoming the butterfly. And no we never get to the fairy tale ending, but we can create a life that we are present for and that we love. And you’re doing it. You’re healing. You’re becoming. And gosh it’s so worth it. I wouldn’t even go back to my old life of coping, numbing, surviving. And yes, this side of life I feel it all. It is hard. There is pain. But I have new tools now. New awareness. Deeper compassion. And I now know that I can do hard things. And so can you. The joy, the peace, the letting go, the release, the love… the juice is absolutely worth the squeeze. But we cannot forget the squeeze. This is a show to validate the squeeze that you are going through. But my sweet friends, life is beautiful. Life is rigged in our favor. And I can’t wait to see those wings :)
WATCH THE VIDEO OR LISTEN ABOVE TO GO INTO MORE DEPTH how it can feel like it gets worse before it gets better.
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